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by Brett Singer
Okay, so it's unlikely that you're going to get on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." Well, with that in mind, GuyShop is here with a new game in honor of Valentine's Day: GOOD GIFT, BAD GIFT. We'll tell you what's smart, and what's really not so smart, when shopping for your ladylove. But first things first:
To Gift Or Not To Gift - That Is The Question (Whether 'tis nobler in the mall to be smacked silly by your girlfriend…):
Depending on how long you and your woman have been 'together', it may or may not be a good idea to go out and grab a gift. A card may suffice, or just simple flowers (as you will see, both of these options are unacceptable if you are involved in anything that resembles a 'real relationship'). As a rule, if you have been seeing one another 'exclusively' (that means not dating anyone else, dudes) for more than three months, get her something good. Otherwise, a card, candy, or flowers (roses, not daisies) will do the job.
And now, back to our show - it's time to play GOOD GIFT, BAD GIFT!
1. Dinner
Good Gift: Fancy. Very fancy. Like over $100 check fancy. And order wine. Yes, cheapskate, the whole bottle. BYOB is not acceptable.
Bad Gift: Ordering in. This makes you look (a) cheap (you wanted to save money on the wine, didn't want to leave a tip, etc.) and (b) like you have one thing on your mind (three guesses, chief, and the first two don't count). Unless you have been together a year or more, get out of the house. And if you have to stay in, cook. Nothing too extravagant, and something you know how to make. Burgers and pasta don't count.
2. Clothing
Good Gift: Soft sleepwear. This is only good if you have been together long enough to know what she sleeps in, but if she likes pj's, a really nice snooze-suit should get you points (read: your old over-sized Houston Oilers jersey does not count). Think really good cotton, maybe even silk, and nothing with excessive rhinestones or other sewn-on decorations (unless you are dating Dolly Parton or another Nashville/Grand Ole Opry icon).
Bad Gift: Victoria's Secret. We know, we know. This seems, on the surface, like the perfect gift. So thoughtful! So sexy! So A GIFT FOR YOU, NOT HER. Yes, she gets to wear whatever you buy her, but only until you tear it off of her with your teeth, tiger (ahem). And despite what you think, she KNOWS you look at all the catalogues that arrive in the mail every twenty minutes. Here's a hint: if you really want to see her in something from VS, leave it open on her desk to the appropriate page and see if she bites (no pun intended).
3. Flowers and/or Candy
Good Gift: If you have to go this route, go all out. Unless you've been together for a really long time (like twenty years) and you think you can get away with the ever-romantic single long-stemmed rose, you will need to acquire ALL of the following:
- A dozen roses OR a seriously nice bouquet of flowers (think big, and try and find out if she's allergic. Lots of bouquets have ragweed-esque pollen machines in them).
- Godiva Chocolates. There is no substitute (except Teuscher or other amazing European chocolates).
- Something a little more personal, such as the flower you got her on your first date, or a super-romantic card, maybe with a poem you wrote yourself (no limericks).
Bad Gift: Anything you get at the drugstore is not an appropriate Valentine's Day gift for your sweetie. No matter how cheap it is. ESPECIALLY if it's really cheap. If price is a problem, go with the single long-stemmed rose, write a poem, or get her a Hershey bar and wrap it in something cute (like a picture of the two of you). No Whitman's Sampler will win a woman's heart. Remember that.
4. Clever Gifts
Good Gift: These are the fun part. Once you have been with your woman for a while, you can be creative. This is a good chance to get something nifty and really win her heart, or rekindle your passion. For the newly minted Internet millionaire, Neiman Marcus will name an entire tract of land after her. Courtesy of The Nature Conservancy, this will also protect an ecologically endangered area - and set you back $200,000 (call 1-877-9NM-GIFT for more info). If that's too rich for your blood, $35 gets you an acre. If she's read this article and you think she'll think you are a cheapo for only getting her one measly acre, you can get something cooler and longer-lasting -- your very own romance novel. Yes, friends, you can be Fabio and she can be…well, whoever those women are who stare at Fabio on the covers of romance novels. Here's how it works: you fill out a form with a few facts, like your names and other pertinent details. For just $29.95 plus shipping (the price of a hardcover these days) you will receive a full-length (140 pages) romance novel. It's too late to guarantee Feb. 14 delivery, but you can get a personalized card from the site to tide you over. Plus, it makes the holiday last longer, AND this is a gift she'll have forever. Pick up some roses, though, just to keep the peace. Visit www.romancebyyou.com, or call (519)439-6100. Honorable mention goes to spa gift certificates (check the prices first, $100 doesn't do get you much at some places), go to www.giftcertificates.com for a slew of choices in this area.
Bad Gift: Anything at the 'Everything For A Dollar' store, a toaster oven, a salami, etc. You get the idea. Ditto on any of John Gray's "Mars/Venus" books. Save those for your anniversary (just kidding).
So there you have it, men. Many a good and bad idea, and no Regis Philbin to annoy you. And by the way -- Happy Valentine's!
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