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by Brett Singer
At the end of every year, many of us make promises to ourselves. This being the new millenium, we thought it was time to suggest some fashion-related resolutions and try to up the ante on guys' clothing for the next 1000 years.
Resolution #1: Plaids and stripes -- separated at last
This may sound easy for some of you, but look in the closets of men you know and love. A plaid shirt and a striped tie might be "casual fashion" to some, but to most it means, "severe fashion casualty." The easy way out -- don't wear ANY tie with ANY plaid shirt -- ever.
Resolution #2: Take your wife/significant other's advice on what to wear
Does this scene sound familiar?
Husband: Honey, does this match?
Wife: No.
Husband: Yes it does.
Wife: If you wear that, I'm staying home.
Husband: It matches. I'm wearing it.
And so on. Take a tip from GuyShop -- YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES. Those looks women give you as you walk down the street? They aren't checking out your manly pects. They're grimacing at your manly (read: incompetent) fashion choices. Listen to your wife -- she spends more time shopping and discussing clothing than you spend with your Sony Playstation (and we know how long that is).
Resolution #3: You're wrong about colors, too
Get it through your head -- oxblood shoes do NOT go with a tux. They just don't. The shoes are red. The tuxedo is black. You look silly. Pick up a pair of black shoes and get over yourself.
Resolution #4: I will not, under any circumstances, allow my wife to throw away my clothing without my permission
This is as big a problem as third-world starvation for some men. Just because you've been wearing the same T-shirts since your freshman year of high school does not mean that said T-shirts are ready for retirement (read: the garbage). If you have to hide your favorite shirts with swear words on them in the closet, then do it. What we wear outside of the house is one thing, but in the house, we are masters of our domain.
Resolution #5: You are not master of your domain -- at least when it comes to fashion
Wouldn't it be lovely if you never had to worry about what to wear ever again? The next time she tells you that you have to "dress up" for a social event, tell her she should just lay the clothes out on the bed and you'll do your job and not leave the house naked. This will cause far fewer fights (see #2), and give you much more time to play Final Fantasy VII on your Playstation.
Resolution #6: Buy clothing more than once a year
This may sound like heresy, but it will make your life easier in the long run. Hit the stores in January, and get as much stuff as you can, within reason. Then wait until June or July and make another run. Why, you may ask? Your wife will be happier, and this will give her something to focus on besides throwing away your favorite T-shirts.
Resolution #7: Let mommy shop for you
You probably think that this went out with your Pampers. Guess what? It still works. If mom wants to buy you clothes, let her. In fact, if you play your cards right, the two shopping trips in #6 could be done ENTIRELY BY YOUR MOTHER, and you would never have to go to a mall that doesn't have a video arcade again.
Follow this advice, and you will be shopping happy. Stick with your old ways at your peril. It's a new millenium, men, and while we don't have to change what we think, we can change what we do to ensure that we can keep behaving however we want to for the next thousand years.
Happy New Year!
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