Men's Style: How To Dress Like A Real Man by Brett Singer Nothing is more embarrassing than showing up at an event wearing the wrong clothes. This can be doubly true for men, since for the most part, the right thing to wear is usually quite simple: formal = tuxedo; business = suit and tie; bachelor party = a lampshade on your head; etc., etc. Women are basically born knowing (or learn quickly thereafter) which clothes are right for which occasion, but from whence do men acquire this knowledge? From the Internet, of course! So here is our guide to dressing like (ahem) a real man. Lesson One - What IS A Real Man? Now that the eighties are over, the truth can be told. Real men do, in fact, eat quiche. In addition, not all of us are poorly groomed, body-scratching loud-mouths whose idea of 'dressing up' is to wear a T-shirt without any swear words on it (not that there's anything WRONG with behaving or dressing this way; we're just saying that it doesn't necessarily make you a Real Man). When we say Real Man we are referring to a true class act - the man who takes a woman to the best restaurant in town, pulls out her chair so she can sit down (and does NOT let her fall on her keister whilst he checks out the waitress), and helps her with her coat when they leave (stop looking at the waitress, okay?). These are all skills that can be gleaned from any James Bond film. But what do we WEAR when wining and dining that special lass, or wooing a potential client? Like the druggist said to the incontinent old man -- depends. Lesson Two - Formal Wear As with so many things, the Number One Rule of Formal Wear is KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. If you have seen the academy awards in the past decade, you may have noticed a wide variety of tuxedo styles, some of which bear a striking resemble to an outfit you saw on the guy who lives under the bridge and drinks Night Train. This down-dressing is not for you. Real Men do not experiment too much with their fanciest duds. This is not to say that you are unaware of the latest and greatest styles; in fact, it behooves to read not only this column but also GQ, Esquire and even the occasional Cosmopolitan (when they do a Men's Fashion issue, not to look at the babes). However, you would do well to stick with classic fashions. A well-fitted tuxedo, complete with cummerbund, cuff links, and a simple-yet-elegant bow tie will be perfect for impressing your business associates and turning women's knees to jelly (three words: "Bond. James Bond."). If you are on the hefty side, forgo the cummerbund in favor of a vest -- this is both slimming and stylish. If you do feel a need to experiment with an alterna-tux, start with the bow-tie and vest (a splash of color can go a long way). A few more guidelines: 1) The Vest If you do go with a vest, make sure it matches your tie, unless you have someone whom you trust dressing you (read: NOT the guy who lives under the bridge). 2) Don't forget the suspenders. This may sound obvious to any man who has done the tux thing before, but it is probably the second most oft-forgot piece of formal attire (the first being the cummerbund). The time to remember them is in the store, not when you are getting dressed and your honey is downstairs in the limo, waiting. 3) Cuff-links Cufflinks with anything other than a solid color (think silver, gold or onyx) or a very sedate pattern (think so sedate as to be almost non-existent) are a definite no-no, unless you are rich enough to be an eccentric rich guy who wears funny cuff-links. The dice-style pair you snagged on your trip to Vegas will not go over unless you are well on your way to earning your seventh or eighth million. 4) To buy or not to buy 'Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the fees incurred when renting just for the weekend, or to endure the large bill that arrives at the time of purchase...' Our advice: Buy that sucker. If you are a smart shopper (and you must be if you are reading this column) you will obtain your penguin suit for under $400 -- you'll make your money back in four or five wearings (Real Men do dinner parties much more often than non-Real Men a.k.a. Boys). This is also handy for those last-minute invites -- "Well sure, I'd love to go to the opening -- of COURSE I have a tux!" Lesson Three – Ties Contrary to popular belief, a goofy tie is okay. Just don't wear anything too goofy -- for example, anything with Goofy (the dopey Disney dog) on it certainly qualifies. Dice might be okay, though, and animals in the jungle or a similar scene could even be considered the mark of a Real Man. Remember in the 70's when then-President Jimmy Carter wore a red white and blue tie with "1776/1976" all over it? Goofy. But a Nicole Miller tie with pictures of foodstuffs, courtesy of Food and Wine magazine? Perfect -- especially for your meeting with their eccentric CEO (note: we have no idea if the CEO of Food and Wine magazine is eccentric in any way. That was just an example). Basically, if you feel like you may be laughed out of the board room for your neckwear, leave it on the rack and go for something from Brooks Brothers. Lesson Four – Hats Two words -- not indoors. There is no social or business occasion where a hat indoors is appropriate for the Real Man, with one exception being watching The Game with your buds and/or business acquaintances. A rally cap from your favorite team is always a good thing (particularly if you are balding). Outside, however, is another story. That same ball cap goes great with warbling "Kumbayah" at the company picnic, and a slick little fedora nesting on your noggin looks trés chic with a trenchcoat when it's raining. As for top hats -- just don't. Even if you have been nominated for an Academy Award for Merchant Ivory's latest. Do get some hats, Real Man, just use them sparingly. Lesson Five -- Dress Shirts White, blue, striped, white with blue stripes -- great. Black and shiny is unlikely to work for you in most situations, although if you are particularly buff and work at MTV you may be able to get away with it. Go out and splurge on a custom shirt or three -- you'll be thrilled with the fit, and you can get quite a bit of wear out of them (remember: if you wear an undershirt, it is perfectly all right to wear a dress shirt twice before washing it - saves on dry cleaning bills, too). Summing Up In our younger days, it was perfectly acceptable to behave -- and dress -- like a slob in almost any situation; if you played your cards right, it was even considered "cute" (think Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure). You have outgrown that, young'un -- today, you are a man. In fact, you are Real Man! So start dressing like one. Happy Shopping! back to writing samples