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How To Buy For A Woman -- A MAN'S Guide
by Brett Singer
Ready or not, here come the holidays -- manic Gap ads, crushing crowds and Pokemania abound. The men amongst us who are in relationships with women, be they marital or simply significant, are often hard-pressed to find the appropriate gift for our better half. GuyShop to the rescue -- here is the only advice you will need to pick the perfect gift for your sweetie.
1. DO: Think long and hard about what you think she will like, and buy accordingly. DO NOT: Buy her something that you would buy for yourself and expect her to give it to you (remember the SIMPSONS episode where Homer buys a bowling ball for Marge and has "Homer" engraved on it? Doh!).
2. DO: Have fun and be creative -- sometimes the best gifts are the ones that she would never have thought of herself. Example: a Totes Superlight umbrella, a bumperchute small enough to fit in her purse and weighing less than a pound (usually about $20). DO NOT: Go overboard and buy her something so stupid and useless that she'll never speak to you again. Example: An exploding pen, black soap or anything with the word "Budweiser" on it. If you have any questions, see #1.
3. DO: Listen for hints. She will give them, don't worry, and if she isn't, she did, you just weren't listening. If that sounds confusing, we suggest joining a monastery, because that's the way it works. You look for hints, she gives them, and you buy stuff -- an elegant, three-step process.
Good clues are brochures with sticky notes stuck on key pages (obvious), a reaction during a commercial, i.e.; "ooo, diamonds" (less obvious), or talking in her sleep (borderline psychotic, but buy it for her anyway if you don't want to be in the dog house). DO NOT: Buy her something that you know she doesn't want (see #1, please) and then innocently tell her, "Oh! I thought this was what you wanted." If you go that route, unpack those Latin books and get your monk robe cleaned.
4. DO: Spend enough money that you don't look like a cheapskate. For example, if you are celebrating Hanukah and are buying eight different presents, get one big one, such as a nice bracelet that your mother said would look nice on your honey's wrist. DO NOT: Buy something just because it is expensive. Remember "Rocky III," when Mssr. Balboa purchases a solid-gold snake that is essentially hideous but must be nice because it cost several thousand dollars? Remember how you laughed at him because you thought he was an idiot? Want to know how he felt?
5. DO: Pay attention to anniversaries. First year is paper, twenty-fifth is silver, etc. (a helpful complete list can be found www.weddingbells.com/unitedstates/anniversary/traditionalgifts.html. My wife likes to say that EVERY anniversary is a diamond anniversary, but my bank account strongly disagrees. DO NOT: Ignore anniversaries for any reason, unless you were looking at that Latin book and thinking it might be nice to never speak again.
6. DO: Get "theme" presents, things where one has to be opened first, i.e., a car cup-holder, an insurance certificate, and then the keys (you should probably get the car as well, but they are hard to wrap). DO NOT: Go overboard and do a "scavenger hunt" or anything that requires her to do anything more than remove wrapping paper. A good guideline is if you are having so much fun preparing the gifts that time just flies by, you've probably gone too far.
7. Last but not least -- NO POKEMON. 'Nuff said.
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