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by Brett Singer
"I know I'm getting older. For example, I know that one day, my hair will turn gray."
- Steve Martin
It is said that there are only two things in life one can be certain of -- death and taxes. For most men, we can add a few other items: our stomachs will get larger, our hair will run screaming from our heads and end up on our backs and ears -- in other words, we will get older.
While much has been written about the fact that we WILL get older, and about how best to stave off this inevitably for as long as possible, not much has been written about how to age gracefully. Here are a few hints from GuyShop:
1)Your Hair: Let It GO, Men
Picture this - once there was a man with long flowing Fabio-style locks that cascaded delicately (but still very masculinely) around his broad, manly shoulders. One day, after a hard day of posing for the cover of romance novels, this man goes home and discovers a single long, flowing Fabio-style strand of hair in his sink. He shrugs it off. "It means nothing," he scoffs in his unplacable Eastern European accent. The next day, while applying Nexus to his manly dome in the shower, he glances at the drain and sees - hair. Strand after strand of his beautiful hair! He becomes despondent, and does not leave his home for many weeks. The romance novel people don't know what to do.
Or maybe one of these is more familiar:
- A guy with a toupee so bad that you can still see the tag hanging off of it.
- A man with one looong piece of brownish hair wrapped around and around (and around, and around) his head to mask his shiny head.
- Marv Albert ('nuff said).
This could be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. But please, heed our advice - LET IT GO. Do not try to hide your bald pate with unnatural substances or even your own rapidly disappearing strands. Remember these four little words - MINOXYDIL ALMOST NEVER WORKS. Then remember all those famous bald guys - Michael Jordan, Telly Savalas, William Shatner (okay, he hides it, but still). Shave your head if you want to, but if you try to cover up your hairlessness, you will certainly suffer for it.
2)Three Words: Nose Hair Trimmer
We've heard all the excuses -- the drugstore was out of them, they're too expensive, my nose hair isn't THAT long. YES. IT IS. CUT IT. NOW. You can pick up a good quality electric trimmer, or even just a pair of scissors, from drugstore.com or any Duane Reade. DO IT. Okay?
3)Get A Belt
There are men out there who have never owned a simple piece of leather that keeps one's pants from falling down. This may seem counterintuitive, since if your belly gets bigger (and it will) then why would you need to wear something that makes your pants tighter? Well, belts aren't just about holding up your pants. If they were, suspenders would be just as fashionable. Belts are a part of your ensemble, and need to match your pants in some way (i.e., no purple patterned piece of cardboard with a buckle on it to hold up your khakis). Black, and occasionally brown, will serve you well. Again, you don't believe us, but take our word for it -- we're right. Get the belt.
4) Act Your Age? Nah -- DRESS Your Age. Repeat this: men in their 30's do not wear baggy jeans. You know all those rock stars you see on MTV? They are highly paid, and more importantly, they are YOUNG. You are NOT YOUNG ANYMORE. This is harsh, we know, but it needs to be said. T-shirts are fine, but T-shirts that are three sizes too small are not. And while it is a good idea to wear an undershirt, it is NOT a good idea to wear an undershirt that says, "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Rock!" (are we dating ourselves here?) under a white oxford shirt. Yes, people can tell. Yes, they snicker behind your back. These problems are easily avoided if you dress your age.
At this point you may be thinking, hmm, all this is a little extreme. We understand. Like quitting smoking, getting older can be a hard pill to swallow at first. So let's start slow. Try this - pick up a copy of GQ, then find the least expensive item in the magazine (probably a tie or something). Go to your local Men's Wearhouse (or equivalent) and buy it. There. Was that so awful? Now head over to J.C. Penney's and pick up some plain white Hanes undershirts. Okay. Breathe. Again. Last stop - the toy store (or kbtoys.com), to pick up a new Playstation CD. Surprised? Hey, you just bought clothes that were featured in GQ magazine, buddy. You're entitled to a reward. No one said anything about acting your age all the time. And besides, why should the kids have all the fun?
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