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by Brett Singer
Have you seen the new car commercials on TV where they play hockey with a fruitcake? Unfortunately for most of us, our holiday treats are a good deal tastier than a lump a hardened rubber, and those treats end up expanding our waist sizes drastically. While GuyShop does not advocate any drastic dieting plans, we would like to offer a few sane hints to help the men out there lose some unwanted holiday pounds - and look good doing it. The following is a representative sample of men-who-might-exercise, and we hope you can find yourself in here somewhere. If not, drop us a line (email: info@inshop.com) and we'll see what we can do for you.
1.The La-Z-Boy: So it's been so long since you've been to the gym, you don't even know where your sneakers are. And the only thing vaguely resembling workout shorts is a bathing suit that your mother bought you to take to summer camp. Time to go shopping! Pick up a decent pair of sneakers that fit you well (this means going to the store and trying them on, men - you'll hate me now, and thank me later). Be careful not to be too thrifty, nor too extravagant - more expensive usually means that the shoes have colors on them that can only be seen by rabid dogs, and too cheap means they were constructed by small children in a third-world country. To avoid being a fashion victim and/or extremely politically incorrect, go for something in between, like Saucony, New Balance or plain white Nike's. You'll think you want black sneakers, but you'll be sorry when women snicker at you in the gym because you are wearing them with white socks. So keep it simple. For shorts, pick up a pair of comfy sweatpants and a pair of sweatpant-style shorts from The Gap (there's one on every corner - and if you can't make it that far, their website is www.gap.com). That way you are covered for warm and cold weather. And for your workout, start REALLY slow. You don't want to hurt anything valuable (like your new sneakers).
2.The Marine: You can pinch more than a millimeter - time to pump some iron! Since you are a serious gym-goer, treat yourself to something nicer than average, like a pair of bike shorts and maybe even a tank top to show off your pects. Crunch Fitness in New York has some nice stuff, although you should probably steer clear of those loose-fitting multi-colored drawstring bottoms, unless you are REALLY LARGE and don't mind fighting to defend your honor. When you get to your favorite House of No-Pain-No-Gain, add an extra 50 crunches to your usual regimen, and maybe an extra 30 minutes on the stationary bike. Those two pounds will fly right off you, Sarge!
3.Mr. Natural: You've never had to work out in your life, because your diet consists mainly of bean sprouts and the occasionall spoonful of peanut butter. You indulged this year, though, and you want to get back to your beanstalk-like figure. For you, we recommend loose-fitting clothes (so no one will know how skinny you are and be insanely jealous), and a nice Hanes Beefy T would work just fine. On your legs, go with shorts, the kind with a drawstring so you don't need a belt (very tacky to wear a belt at the gym). To stick with your no-leather-clothing rule, get a pair of canvas Converse All-Stars, they've made a comeback and can be found at most decent shoe stores. Add some tube socks so you don't freeze your little ankles off, and hit the treadmill! You'll be looking like a health nut again in no time.
As Billy Crystal (as Fernando on Saturday Night Live) once said, "It is better to look good than to feel good." If you follow our advice, you can hopefully achieve both - and not necessarily in that order.
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