GuyShop 6640C: A Computer-Buying Odyssey by Brett Singer An episode of "Dilbert" (UPN) aired recently wherein our eponymous cubicle-dwelling hero ordered a new computer online from a company called Comp U Comp. Upon receiving the wrong model, he attempts to return it, first online (no luck there), then by phone (the operator turns out to be in the cubicle next to him), and finally in person (off in a desert somewhere). Comp U Comp is run by a giant megalomaniacal computer called, well, Comp U Comp. To obtain his proper purchase, Dilbert must beat the computer at various contests, including chess and badminton. Dogbert wins the day when he literally pulls Comp U Comp's plug. If that sounds familiar even though you've never heard of Dogbert, you can relate to the TRUE story you are about to hear. One morning I dutifully sat down at my trusty old (read: purchased over 2 years ago) computer and proceeded to check my email. As the usual barrage of offers for free things I don't want came pouring in, I clicked on a hyperlink. Within moments, the screen turned blue and this message replaced my Inbox: "Warning: The DSP Code Could Not Be Uploaded" I shuddered. After giving the machine three fingers ('ctrl-alt-delete'), I was greeted with "The system has become unstable", along with a few numbers that I couldn't remember if my life depended on it. Finally, I gave up and turned the damn thing off. After much swearing ("Bill Gates! What a weenie!" is about all that's printable), I re-booted and found that - oh good! - my modem had disappeared. This was not the first problem I had had with this machine in recent months (my CD-ROM drive was "U" for awhile for reasons known only to God and Mr. Gates, unless of course they are one and the same). Clearly, no matter what my wife says, it was time to buy a new computer. Stay with me, gentle shopper. This is the fun part. After a few days of Typical Male Electronics Shopping Behavior (buying fourteen computer magazines, etc.), I finally settled on the Brio from Hewlett-Packard. This machine is as inexpensive as it gets when buying from a well-known computer maker ($499.99), with a 400+mhz processor (Celeron), and all the basics needed to get work done. I wanted it immediately. Of course, I couldn't GO TO A STORE. Like Dilbert, that would seem like the old way, the suburban way, the way of the mall-dweller. I am a man of the future! I can buy a computer without leaving my chair! Or so I thought. My first stop was Computer Discount Warehouse (www.cdw.com). I found everything I needed to know with their handy comparison tool (select the models you want and they line up for you like the brides on "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?"). Since I had a question or two that couldn't be answered online, I called the 800 number to speak to a human. BIG MISTAKE. The human I spoke to was very pleasant. His Internet connection is faster than mine, so he was able to search for products the same way that I did, but in less time. I could hear him typing as I asked away - can I use 66mhz RAM with this model? "Oh, let me look (tap tap tap tap). I don't know - ram?" For all I know he was in the office next door to me, or in the New York City sewer system, or the Oval Office. I asked about next-day shipping. CDW will let you PAY for next-day shipping (FedEx), but they don't GUARANTEE that it will get to you the next day. Basically, FedEx guarantees it, but CDW doesn't like to make promises they can't keep. This is certainly friendly, but not what I was looking for. Next! I moved on to Staples, the office supply store that can be credited with being the single best place to waste time during a workday while looking like you are working. At their somewhat Spartan web site, I found it - Hewlett-Packard's 6640C. For a mere $799.99, I could get a 500MHZ processor, 64MB of RAM, a 56k modem, a 15GB hard drive (oh baby) and - I hope you're sitting down - a CD-RW, a CD-ROM drive that lets you write and re-write your own CDs. I had to have it. I could taste it. The 'put in shopping cart' button beckoned me like Pamela Anderson in a mini-dress. But no. Not gonna do it. The idea of walking into a store, plunking down my AMEX card and strutting outside with a new PC was even more appealing than Pam in that mini. So I wrote down the 'sku' number (Something Kittens Understand?) which all Staples stores use to identify merchandise and began working the phones. Again - BIG MISTAKE. Neither of the stores near me had 6640C's (the national phone center said that they did). Both kept me on hold for 15 minutes while they (a) checked the shelves, (b) did their nails and/or (c) yelled across the store to see if anyone knew what a computer was. One store finally put me on with a manager who informed me that, "The truck comes in later, but I don't know what's on it. Call in the morning and maybe we'll have unloaded it by then and we might have that item." Okay. The next morning (a Saturday) I took a chance and went down to Staples myself. It was a madhouse - 55 customers for every sales person, one register working, etc. After watching a woman play solitaire on the 6640C for about 15 minutes (she wasn't very good), I body-checked a sales person and asked if they had this model in stock. He left, and 25 minutes later (I'm not exaggerating) he came back, apologetically explaining that, "We got a stack of the 6630's, but no 6640C's." He offered to order it for me. Would another store have it, I queried. "Well," the breathless rep opined, "here's the thing. You see how crowded it is in here, with four of us working? The other stores are all, like, the same. So the BM's ain't gonna answer pages, so go to another store, but I don't know what you're gonna find. See?" Where I come from 'BM' is short for a certain bathroom function, but I wasn't going to get into a semantics debate. We walked to a computer terminal where the sales person logged on to what I can only imagine is the Internet, entered my data and ordered me a 6640C. Then the printer didn't work. After literally picking it up and shaking it, he handed me a print out with a bar code and instructed to take it to a cashier. The harried Stapler ran off to help one of the eighteen or so people who had requested his attention in the time we had been 'working together.' After waiting for the printer to spew out a few more pages (some were even mine), I made my way to the one working register, paid, and got the heck out of there. The computer arrived today. Free delivery. Very happy. I haven't had a chance to open the box because I've been too busy. But let this be a lesson to all you Dilbert's out there wanting more power on your desktop. Remember these tips: 1. Immediate gratification is great, but only when it works. 2. Your time is worth more than the four dollars you might save by looking at fifty-two different web sites for the same product. 3. The BM's never answer their pagers during peak business hours, so don't even bother calling. Three simple rules for getting electronics equipment. Who says the modern world is complicated? Happy Shopping! back to writing samples