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by Brett Singer
"Americans
can be stylish. But the average American just isn't. Americans are too
concerned with comfort to be stylish." - Fran Leibowitz Everybody has at least one piece -- the shredded bathrobe, the dog-mangled slippers, the underwear with holes in all the wrong places. We're talking about comfort clothes. Whether worn to pieces or brand-new but super soft, we all need something comfy every now and then (more NOW than then). One big problem for us menfolk, however, is keeping our significant others from tossing our favorite comfy items. GuyShop offers this guide to keeping your stuff, while picking up a few new ones in the process -- all while never leaving the house.
I have several things in my closet (or hidden under my bed) that qualify as either comfort clothes or rags, depending on whether you are talking to me or to my wife. Her efforts to dispose of the bathrobe I have owned and worn since I was 15 were nothing short of Herculean. I managed to save it, but only after she bought me a new robe (plush blue, from Saks) which I really like -- and agreed to wear the new one around her.
Then there are my slippers. They have more hair than my head, and I've never owned a dog, cat or even a ferret. They stay on my feet by sheer force of will, as if they had minds of their own. Again, the wife intervened, purchasing new slippers for me to pound around the house. And again, I still hung on to the old ones.
The list goes on (and on and on). Jeans from high school, sneakers that haven't fit me since I had a full head of hair, and baseball caps where the team name has faded to invisible (rest assured, sports fans, it's a Yankee hat -- you'll just have to trust me on this one). So the obvious question for a guy is: How do you keep your wife/girlfriend/significant other from chucking favorite comfy clothes?
1. Hide Them: This is only effective if you have the space (sorry, studio-dwellers). It also makes wearing the clothes difficult. That t-shirt your dad bought you at the 1978 World Series ("It was a great game, honey! You shoulda been there!") may fit quite nicely underneath the computer you won't ever use, but it is much more fun to wear it while sitting on the couch watching ESPN.
2. Get Her Out Of The House: This works, but it definitely feels weird. When she goes out to work, to get her nails done, or to have dinner with her pals, pull out the sweatpants that are holier than the Pope, take the shirt off the doorknob and put it on, and wander around the house -- sort of an older version of that Risky Business moment. Again, this does work, but if this is the best you can do with your alone time, you may need to get out more.
3. Let Her Buy You New Stuff: Nothing makes a woman happier than "fixing" her man's wardrobe. Men, like movie scripts, need doctoring. So indulge her. Since she has probably sniffed out everything article of clothing that you love at this point, ask her (I know, I know, but bear with me for a minute) for her suggestions (no, really, stay with me) of what she might replace them with (yes, guys, I'm serious). She will have suggestions, trust me. If she doesn't, she is either (a)lying, or (b)you weren't listening closely enough. Let her buy you a new robe -- most department stores (Macy's, Bloomingdale's, etc.) have nice, soft terrycloth models that should soften up properly over time. Slippers are similarly simple -- most Rockport stores will have something off in the corner, you can also try Macy's again.
Here's a hint: tell your wife to look for a package deal, as in slippers AND a robe sold together. This will take her far longer to find and keep her off your back about the worn out stuff you already own and adore.
This has a few advantages, the best being (a) the achievement of your lifelong goal of never having to shop for clothes again, (b) keeping her busy buying things so she doesn't have as much time to find your old t-shirts, and (c) you get new slippers that may actually stay on your feet when you walk.
So there you have it, men. Take my advice and you too can have a closet filled with brand-spanking-new soft and comfortable clothing hanging in full view, and your own personal junk hidden in the back.
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